i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
