ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Randomize
