Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
