I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
