He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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