I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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