Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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