First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
