I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I love having hate sex.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
