you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
