This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
