Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
