im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
