I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
