So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
