Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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