Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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