so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
My life is pants optional.
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