I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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