god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I want to have your abortion
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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