Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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