i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
