This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
