it was like his penis was on wheels.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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