I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
