She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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