babies were throwing up all over the place
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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