I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
