Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Randomize
