Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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