i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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