im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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