come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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