I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
