She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
