So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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