i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
