So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
