Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
