so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Are my feet made of real feet?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
