Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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