Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Randomize
