im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
