Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
