Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
