Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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