Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
