quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
