jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
