i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
