I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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